The New Newspeak Dictionary

By Paul Kesler

Baby Boomer - 1. a subhuman creature gestated in the amniotic fluid of the Welfare State who, during the 1960s, indulged in bomb-throwing, sexual profligacy, drug abuse, and endless tirades against the glory of war. 2. a spoiled brat ruined by the child-rearing theories of Benjamin Spock. See "Peacenik" and "Entrepreneur"

Bears vs Bulls - two salivating predators who decide whether stocks will be more profitable for the rich or the super-rich. See "Dow Jones"

Best and Brightest - those anointed by the educational establishment as most favorably suited for perpetuation of a status quo where workers get the thrashing they deserve and CEOs flutter delicately to the earth on golden parachutes

Cash Cow - an animal that chews on stolen assets and spits in the public eye

Christianity - God's favorite advertisement for the Market

Communism - an obscene form of social, economic, and political organization which promotes concepts of equality and labor collectivism. See "Socialism"

Compassionate Conservative - a politician whose tearful sympathy for the rich is inconsolable

Congress - an urban club where members stop on their way to the Country Club

Democracy - an extinct form of government based on a heretical belief in "popular will"

Deregulation - a method used to remove the straight jacket of democracy from the One True God. See "Market"

Dow Jones - the wealthier cousin of Uncle Sam. See "Bears vs. Bulls"

Economy - a symbolic representation of Capitalism which pampers the stock market and inflicts Tough Love on workers. Usually written as "The Economy" to preclude any notion of alternatives. See "TINA"

Elections - Ritualistic circuses performed in the United States every two-to-four years for fun and profit. Proceeds are collected for the needier members of the patrician class.

Entrepreneurs - 1. self-made persons who have contemptuously disowned the collectively-made ladder they climbed. 2. antonym for "Baby Boomer"

Environmentalist - a pathetically sick individual who believes the earth should be a fit place to live in

Fast Track - to push a thousand-page bill past Congress five minutes before recess

Free Lunch - 1. a disgusting repast, salaciously dangled as a forbidden bauble to Baby Boomers and Communists. 2. a wondrous repast, privately delivered (usually by limousine) to the bourgeoisie.

Free Speech Zone - a place of assembly near enough to shout from and distant enough to be inaudible

Free Trade - a favorite device to plunder public governments for private profit

God - 1. surrogate manager for the home team, called up when the Market is sick. 2. main pitcher for the home team. See "Jesus"

Good for The Economy - anything that inflates the stock market at the expense of hippies, socialists, and working families making less than $500,000 a year

Hippie - a warmed-over survivor of the 1960s who subsists on Free Lunches and hard drugs

Jesus - relief pitcher drawn from the dugout when God gets wild (sometimes known as "The Second Coming"). Third in the pitching lineup.

Kate Smith - the Fat Lady who sang before it all ended

Liberal - Sinner in the Hands of an Angry God. The word "liberal" is thought to have originated in the following anonymous verses found in a 17th Century manuscript:

"I'm a red hot lover from back in the day And a renegade lackey the priest threw away; You can challenge my bluff, but I'm here to attest, When it comes to the ladies, I'm one o' the best. I've lived half-a-life in a Free Speech Zone, 'Cause whenever I shouted, they threw me a bone. I can sing like a wino and cuss like a Turk And there's no kind of orgy I ever have shirked. Oh, liberals were born between Sodom and Gomorrah, And if you buy that one, I'll tell you some morrah....."
A minority of scholars dispute the authenticity of this manuscript based on two factors: (1) the paper contains 90 percent pulp content, and (2) the calligraphy bears a striking resemblance to that of Grover Norquist.

Liberal Media - the dependable outlet for Communists, peaceniks, and similar perverts who rail against war and class privilege

Market - 1. The One True God. 2. The One True Faith. See "Christianity" and "Terrorist"

Media Whore - any flack who breathes heavily for a moderate price tag. See "Pundit"

Nanny State - an institutional system where corporations hire servants to cook the books

Neoconservatives - Market-fearing apostles who Buy Low and Sell High

Neoliberal - graduate of the Chicago School of Kleptocracy

Paleoconservatives - living fossils who worship at the tomb of William F. Buckley. See "Neoconservatives"

Patriotism - the first refuge of Republicans

Peacekeeping Missiles - projectiles designed to sustain the tranquility of the graveyard and develop new markets

Peacenik - a delusional individual, typically a drug addict and victim of the "liberal media," who favors policies advocated by deranged historical leaders like Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King

Privatize - to transfer from Joe Sixpack to Merrill Lynch

Pundit - 1. a Media Whore. 2. a functionary who has abandoned sex toys for the joy of publicity.

Reform - any officially-sanctioned therapy for working stiffs that leaves the patients stiffer

Rising Tide - unique body of water formed by Trickle-Down Economics with the curious capacity to lift all yachts

Rock - a kind of pseudo-music developed by working class perverts for sexual indulgence and terpsichorean obscenities

Socialism - a philosophy based on the quaint notion that human needs take precedence over the Market

Socialist – a misfit who does not worship the Market's mysterious ways

Stock Market - a convenient propaganda tool for Market apostles, used to divert working families from the Tough Love they're receiving

Sweatshop - a funhouse situated roughly between the old homestead and the funeral parlor

Teamwork - a mercurial activity that is virtuous in private corporations and contemptible in unions

Televangelist - 1. a Media Whore who passes through the eye of a Tube to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. 2. a Christian Soldier who bangs bibles instead of guns.

Terrorism - a viral mutation of the Yellow Peril and the Red Menace, originating somewhere outside the Green Zone where the Red White and Blue flies daily

Terrorist - 1. a political dissident who has broken from the One True Faith See "Market". 2. one who favors free speech and democracy over money to achieve political ends.

TINA - 1. abbreviation for There Is No Alternative. 2. The head Madame of the Capitalist whorehouse.

Tough Love - an educational method used to yank Free Lunches from the insatiable mouths of Baby Boomers

Tree Hugger - one who finds ecstasy in the larger forms of plant life as a substitute for golfing

Union - a spawn of Satan dragged from the Eighth Bolgia of Hell where Deceivers plot dominion over the earth

Wall Street - a street in New York City whose Wall insures the separation of Church and Justice

War - the highest level of the human condition short of orgasm. War has historically been compromised by the presence of "peaceniks" in the human bloodstream.

Welfare State - 1. FDR's federal legacy. 2. the state a corporation is in after getting the bailout money.

Workers - individual slaves who disappeared mysteriously during the reign of Ronald Reagan. See "Working Families"

Working Families - small slave collectives which, according to historical evidence, replaced Workers after taking the vows of holy matrimony